Faux News: Congress Flexs Muscles: Change to Law of Gravity to Help Stop Global Warming

March 13th, 2007 by xformed

It’s almost like this could be in the WaPo or NYT any day now…

Dateline: Washington, DC March 14th, 2007

Congress, acting quickly on their success of changing when Daylight Savings Time goes into effect wasted no time in trumpeting their resounding success: The US is noticing a cooling “climate change” and Speaker of the House Pelosi wants people to know it was her push to change daylight saving time which actually accounts for the cooling seen last month as well, that made this happen.

To continue the trend is establishing a downward track of US temperatures, several House and Senate committees have been holding hearings on how a change in the Law of Gravity would further reduce the production of greenhouse gases. Initial response from the public has been over the top positive, says a new USA Today poll, showing a solid 92.7% of all those living in the US (includes, but did not identify by name and address illegal aliens responding) think it would be “a great idea” to reduce gravity by 25%, while another 5.2% would support the President signing a bill that had a long term reduction equal to 20%, implemented over a 10 year period, rather than a large cut all at once.

Harry Reid (D-NV), at a press conference to announce the bill he was sponsoring, the Unified Gravity Reduction Bill of 2007, told the fawning Washington Press Corps the change in gravity would reduce the amount of fuel needed for all sorts of transportation, therefore, a reduction of greenhouse gases would be achieved and the planet would once again find itself cooling off, possibly as early as August 2008, in time for all American citizens to see how once more, the Democrats have been real problem solvers, while the President did noting by try to make more pollution with his tax cuts, that encouraged economic growth and manufacturing.

While most Americans seem fine with this measure, “non-weight challenged” citizens voiced displeasure with the plan, one man outside on the Capitol steps, a short, skinny, buck-toothed redneck looking idiot, held up a handmade sign with this inscription: “Reduce Gravity and What’s Next? Slowing Down the Speed of Light?” In an interview off the record, this rube had the audacity to question the wisdom of such a great and obviously spectacular bill being forwarded by Congress. He must have been expelled from elementary school for carrying a licensed firearm and missed his environmental science lessons. He went on to say, if the trend caught on, since most Americans are “weight challenged” (his words of “d*** obese” have been changed as to not offend anyone who is too lazy to stop eating), if they chose to reduced gravity even more, he and the other skinny people would be the first to suffer “unintended consequences” by being blown away in a stiff wind. He went on to comment that fat people just liked the idea because their excess wouldn’t be pulled down so hard and for once in their lives they could claim “normal” weight values on such documents as medical insurance applications, while staying reasonable affixed to the earth, even in strong winds. Not stopping there, he said some of his weight lifter friends were complaining about how people who never had set foot in a gym would soon be able to lift like they have been all along, drawing a parallel to Barry Bonds taking steroids just so he could pound the ball out of the park all the time: It’s an artificial advantage and is an uneven playing field.

Not everyone is happy with this measure, which will benefit the entire world, even if the law is only placed in effect in America to begin. While 90% of the scientists are in consensus that this is a good thing to do, there are almost a full 10% who have taken a hard line of junk science saying mankind has no way to reduce or eliminate gravity at a whim or the placing of some ink on paper. It can be done for short periods, but they say it requires a significant expenditure of energy, thereby negating any savings of carbon emissions into the atmosphere. Several well known scientists have refuted these types of statements, calling them part of the outcasts in the science community and labeling them as “reality physics deniers.”

Al Gore, was not available for comment, but his spokesperson said he was holding a conference with the Boards of Directors of the company he currently purchases carbon credits from before he makes any press releases on his position.

One organization that is heralding such a measure passing as “great news for us” is the United States Parachute Association (USPA). A boon for jumpers and pilots alike, getting to altitude will take less energy and jump ticket prices should start dropping, which, as the USPA Executive Director, Chris Needles, projects will “begin to increase our stagnant membership numbers, as jumping becomes more affordable for more people and experienced jumpers will love being able to put 25% more freefall time in their logbooks per jump!”

The United Nations Secretary General, while not yet making a full statement, has been heard discussing with his staff if this might give the US an advantage over the other nations of the world, further having the appearance the at the US is “going it alone, without testing this new idea in the Court of World Opinion.” He also has wondered out loud if this measure might be looked upon as a leadership in global environmentalism and actually be a good idea for the rest of the world to try. The ambassadors for both China and India were heard to be protesting that they might be subject to any such rules in a working group of the Security Council this afternoon, fearing it might somehow cut into their productivity and fight to reach economic parity with the US.

President Bush, the worst President in the history of the US, was asked about this new proposal during his press conference where he was falsely claiming how the Surge in Iraq was already quickly reducing violence and civil unrest, said he wasn’t sure what gravity current was rated at, once more demonstrating what a shrub he is.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 13th, 2007 at 9:13 pm and is filed under Humor, Skydiving, Technology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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